The other person in therapy

The most relaxing place in the world is a particular Korean sauna in New Jersey. The somewhat drab external appearance, a vast grey concrete wall in the midst of an industrial district, disguises an opulent labyrinth of self-care within. Due to the outward appearance, I did not expect much on my first visit to the sauna, but never have I been so relaxed. It’s a hot miracle.

When I first went to counseling, I expected it to be like going to the sauna in the comforting relaxation sense. For me, as it is for many other people, it turned out to be more like the sauna in the other sense - that the inside world of therapy can be very different than the exterior view would suggest.

I’m mostly in therapy to work on how I experience relating with other people. I worry about disappointing people so I tend to accept work that I don’t really want to do. I remember one time in Japan when I was asked to interpret for the Vice-Governor of Okinawa as he spoke with a visiting group of graduate students from a prestigious school in Tokyo. I knew it was going to be a problem, but it seemed very important and I didn’t want to seem like I couldn’t handle it. His speech (in Japanese) went something like:

“Welcome to Okinawa" (okay, no problem interpreting that)

“I am happy to see you today, how do you like Okinawa so far” (also fairly easy to interpret, hoping it will continue like this)

“I understand you are studying degenerate classical minima and instantons in quantum mechanics” (long very, very awkward silence).

I’m not really concerned about saying no to the person asking the favor, I’m actually playing something out in these situations that is much older. Something about feeling accepted, something about being worried about what it means if both of us can’t cope. Something that doesn’t really belong in the now.

The irony is that by trying to avoid disappointing people (who in reality would probably not be disappointed if I just said “sorry, but I can’t do that” as they would just find someone else), I ended up really disappointing them by accepting the request and messing it up. There is also a weirdly positive outcome, now I think about it, in that I have really had to develop an ability to pick up new things I wouldn’t otherwise have learned and quickly become adept at them in order to avoid making a mess of them. So now I’m relatively competent in several fields, but I’m still distressed about taking too much on.

So I wander into therapy looking forward to the relaxing experience of talking this out. Imagine my surprise when I realize the hard truth - therapy also involves a relationship where the same stuff plays out! I am not there bouncing my stuff off a reflective wall like I’m in some kind of relaxing version of racquetball. Racquetball on a couch with a cup of tea. No, there’s another person across from me, intruding on my comfortable space. So, when I put a thought out there, and she makes an interpretation I don’t agree with, how am I supposed to disagree with it? With all her training and experience. She is the powerful helper and I am the vulnerable helpee. How can she have the audacity to get things wrong!

Of course, that’s where much of the work actually happens. It turns out that good therapy is about noticing patterns in relationships outside the room, and then creating opportunities to supportively talk about those patterns when they arise within the counseling relationship. To finally be able to think about what is happening as it happens, without judgment. It takes some courage on my part, and also on the part of the therapist.

​Amazing and bizarre things happen in that space. The catastrophe I have been working so hard to avoid all my life, the one I imagine will happen if I say what I really think to people, keeps not happening.

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